what i want..something for myself.

Play hide and seek give you my clothse tell you i love your shoes sit on the steps while you take a bath massage your neck kiss your face hold your hand and walk laugha t your paranoiya, Give you tapes you dont listen to, tell you about the T.V. program i saw the night before, i want you in the morning but let you sleep in for a while tell you how much i love your eyes your lips your neck, sit on the steps smoking till your neighbors come home sit on be sorry when im wrong and happy when you forgive me, wish i've known you forever, hearing your voice in my ear. feling your skin on my skin, hug you when your anxious want you when i smell offend you when i touch whimper when im next to you simper when im not, smuther you in the night, melt when you smile disolve when you laugh,wonder how you think i could ever reject you, wonder who you are but except you anyway by you presents you dont want and take them away again ask you to marry me but you say no because you think i dont mean it though i have since the first time i asked you empty without. tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you dont diserve anyless answer your questions when i'd rather not, let me try and get closer to you and somehow, communicate some of the overwhelming undieing overpowering unconditional all in compassent heart enriching mind expanding on going never ending love i have for you

My hell like Dream

I'm going insane. Recently I've just been getting scared of mine and Jordans realationship ending..dramaticully. And it's driving me insane I can't even escape from it in my sleep because everytime I dream, I dream of him cheating on me right in front of me and I wake up crying. I just want it to stop. I want things to go back to normal. And since I can't see him until Saturday i'm gonna be seriously depressed until I do see him. I just don't want anything to end between us. He makes me so happy. But recently just so depressed. It's bothering me. I need some help. Like the dream I had last night was the worst in the world. It was him half naked with someone that I know (i'll keep them anonomouse) just flirting with her right in my face until finally he just starts kissing her and then he almost starts having sex with her but then I wake up in a heavy breath crying. I'm hateing this so much. I just want it to stop. I need him to promise me he wont cheat on me or he isn't or never has. And if he can't do that then I'll have to end it. God, I hate saying that, it kills me so much to even think of ending it. But if he doesn't want to be 100% commited to me then I can't keep being hurt. Okay, i'm making myself cry i'm gonna stop.



Love,

n

jsut say it all

so at this point in my life i'm getting tired of always keeping how i feel hidden from who im talking to. i'm just now gonna start asking people how i feel and telling them straight up. i think im more scared for they're responces to what i have to say to them like today after weeks and weeks and pondering the subject i finallty asked Jordan why he loves me and his responce was unbelievable sweet. Heres what he said:
I guess that there really isn't a specific reason... or multiple reasons, really. I know that I love you cause whenever you're around I get all happy and fuzzy inside, and a general euphoric sense. like as long as your next to me i can do anything. That and you're cute, fun(ny), put up with me, have a wonderful personality, we're compatible and you usually tell me that you love me, and you seem to care about me and you argue with me everytime I think you're doing something with someone else and you're playful and lovely and we make plans together and we don't seem like one of those fake couples and we like a lot of the same things and our fights always remind us of how much I really do care for and love you"
i think that is one of THE sweetest things he has ever said to me.
But then it kills me how right afterwards he starts talking about sex. like emotion kinda matters to him and how he's probably at home like..damn i have to be emotional? wtf?? i dont know though. i think he does though and i think hes the one.

so recently my back gto messed up so i've been sick. sad day right? yeah i miss all of my friends and tired of laying in bed all day. its really not too fun TV sux i have become a pop colture magnet. it is the worst thing ever i want my anti-social-social life back.

ok well im done for the night bye bye

bored

yeah i am!!!

finally another post from yours truelly.

Well, life is ok at time and at times it hasn't been. Jordan has been in Texas for 19 days now. or so iono, either way, it sucks ass, we've gotten into 3 arguements since he left. It sucks. But I think it's just because he's been gone for a while. The last time he went to West Port and came back for winterbreak we got into this thing over the internet. I think us argueing is our way of saying "grr i hate being so far away from you for so long damn the world for this misfortion!!"

Well, my two best friends are going out (/:S) it's weird how the world of teenagers works. I'm gonna re-dye my black hair tomorrow. It has faded too fast. *sigh* I ruind and Destroyed my huitar (pics at myspace.com/i_love_misfits then view more pics, then from there it'll be a little obvious)

I feel like hurting someones feelings, I'm gonna talk shit about someone, who though, hmmm. No names im just gonna say shit. I'm so tired of people complaining about stupid stuff( im a hippocrit, whats new?) like hmm record labels. This label sucks because they're sell outs because they want to sign more bands that don't exactly sound like the rest of the bands but they want to get more record sales so they suck. And, they're alot more rich then you tehetehe. wellllllll i can't think of anything.

This summer has sucked so bad. I got suspended two days before the last day of school, all of my friends haven't been around and just to top it all off, im an emotional wreck. Savannah went to St. Louis, Mikey and Taylor both got jobs, Tay's is in Idaho and Mikey is just gone all the time, Gimpy went to oragen and Jordan went to Texas, I need to find more people to hang out with, I went from barely ever being home to waisting my life away and my house because i can't find anything to do.

Well, tomorrow, mikey doesn't have work so after i dye and dry my hair im probably gonna hang out with him. and knowing him he's gonna want to get savannah so im probably going to attempt hanging out with savannah. But she'probably find a reason not to leave, then we'll probbably make out next stop to gimpy's were her and her cousin are. So all day tomorrow it'll probably be me and mikey finding something to do until we have to go our seperate ways, actualy i think imma dye my hair tomorrow night. yeah.

oh btw that stupid Avril Lavign shit is pissing me off

hey hey you you i don't like your girlfriend.

It's called envy, Avril, you're going to hell, you should of stuck with the Emo acoustic songs.


love,

n

so like i only rant in this when im pissed

i so tired of people. everyone knows im going out with jordan and yet some people still are al flirtatious around him. its pissing me off. doesnt anyone know a thing called respect? i don't think i can take his man whorish ways any longer..im gonna have to tell him eventually.it's pathetic how the last time we broke up it was because he had an idea that i would cheat on him....now he has more of a chance of cheating on me. im so tired of this. not only that but he also says stuff along the lines of (meaning not in these exact words but this is the meaning) "i would flirt with you but my girlfriend is right there" god that pisses me off the most. the only time me and hima re together and im not pissed off at someone is when is just me and him. no one else. even then sometimes we get into arguements. i just don't think i put out enough for him.. and i think he wishes i was more of a slut.

but today the worst thing was when he ignored me around jessica rick so i didn't talk to him for less then an hour and he got all mad at me...i feel like just yelling at him just sending him this whole rant...i think i will soon enough.......the next time he flirts with someone hardcore is when ill send this to him,,,,

buzz cuts, kane hodder, aiden and me.

this post will be real short.

i went to an aiden concert on sunday it was awsome.

aiden is awsome. i love them so mch now.

the concert was great. i had a bouncer like the whole time. ok im done now



love,


n